SuperStar

Happy New Year! Wow, what a year 2013 was and I know 2014 will offer continued blessings. Loving my new job (3 months in) I have amazing supervisor and colleagues, finally getting my home in order and making improvements. I'm feeling good and positive. So in to my point of this blog.

About once a month my daughter and I take over the living room and just talk about life. Mostly her life, and what I remember from my youth.  I can admit many of the things that I see her going through I remember, and glad to report, I survived them. The joys of teenage life, is that the experience are so different, yet the same.

Last night my daughter was discussing how she wanted to be famous, she felt so much bigger then where she was. So here is a snippet of our dialogue:

After her question, I shared how I wanted to be famous so people would know that I was important and wonderful. My daughter asked what happened, I responded with a smile that I was important and famous. She looked at me, only in a way a teen can, her wheels turning in her head trying to figure out if she'd missed something. I explained how I was important and felt important to Her, her father, family and friends.  Discusssed how much of being famous is wanting to be loved, and I have that, and know that's all I ever wanted. Of course as her mother, I snuggled with her and kissed her forehead.  I talked about following my heart to becoming a therapist, and my surprise with attending college (I struggled in school due to A.D.D) and doing well in college (well not the first year). I shared that I recognized she was so much bigger than where we lived but she would need to first recognize and accept how important she is right now. She looked at me proud but confused. I think that she understood but was unsure if she believed it.

I sat back thinking, about my feelings then. I loved to write, so I was going to write books, become famous and everyone, even those who had not loved me in my youth would admire and love me. I hated being awkward and uncertain in my teens. I was a tomboy, and couldn't dress. Plus no one ever showed me how to do my hair, so if didn't save to get my hair done. My hair was all over my head!  I know most have gone through this in their lives.  I remember just thinking fame would allow me to lose that awkwardness and become amazing. Looking at high school, it wasn't my best time but I was pretty amazing, had great friends, did sports, and wrote some great poetry that my family and friends often praised.

Actually, until Skye's conversation last night, I hadn't even thought about wanting to be famous; nor how important I feel, even how satisfied I am in my life. I had to shake my head and smile realizing. "Yeah Merc, you've come a long way, worked through some tough stuff, but I am here and important, most of all, I'm loved!"

I know my daughter has to go through these growing pains,which I explained to her; and yes, as her mother, I hate that she has to go through this but I can also testify that she can and will survive the tough times, no matter how tough. I know she will be fine, because her story is mine, and I will go as fat as to say most women's stories. Literally it is trying to discover who we are, where we want to be, and most of all self love!

What I have to admire about my daughter is that even though she is still trying to find her place, I admire how adventurous she is with her style. I would have never been that brave, hell, I am more adventurous in my style now because of her! Skye does not see how many of my friends, colleagues, and family admire her style and her doing her own things, yeah she is big time and if she stays true to who she is, she will be famous. How famous, will be determined by her and where she chooses to go.

My life isn't perfect but I have to admit that I'm good! But I am a super star,here in my home, with my family and friends. I am surrounded by super stars, so many amazing people. So, I can take this fame and run with it!!

A Fresh Star

I lost this blog...not sure why I forgot to post it! it's from Sept!! Enjoy!!

I am entering a new phase. For almost two years my life consisted of nothing but work. Actually, longer than that since I had a private practice that occupied much of my time, usually working 6 days a week. The days that I was off, it was to run errands and catch up on all I missed doing. I did not want to exhaust the energy needed to socialize, interact, or hang out, so interaction was minumum, especially in the past 2 years.  So I felt that getting a job and shrinking my private practice, this would allow me more time (as well as a steady income=less stress) with life.  So, I got the job, but found I was working more.  I hate turning clients away, especially teenagers, knowing that they can benefit from therapy.  Then it hit me that as much as I love being a therapist and having a job, some changes needed to be made. From Monday to Thursday I wake up at 5 am, out the house by 6:00-6:30,to drive 1 1/2-2 hours to work, to return to see clients until 8:30. Get home, eat, and prep for the next day. At least one or two weekends a month, travel up and down the mid-Atlantic to work. 

There were things I wanted to do, many things, but my weekends off, I usually would be recuperating. So I have been on a job hunt, hoping for something closer to home. Well I found a job, not closer to home, but it allows me to change my therapy schedule so that I am home in the evenings more. As much as I love being a therapist, I also want to be present for my family. I want to interact with my friends. I want to sit on my couch and be a bum, not because I am recuperating but just to be a bum.  My family means everything to me, my friends keep me grounded, my being a bum allows me to be in tune with me.

Lets keep it real, my time with my daughter is short, soon enough she will be off to college. I love my time with my husband, we've been in each others lives since childhood, don't want to miss out on that. Being with my friends allows a good time, smile, and I can be Mercia!! Having my quiet time alone, allows me to listen to that little voice and check in with me.

I have begun to think of the many things I want to do, learn to sew, learn to speak Spanish, get back to running, take some jewelry making classes, and so on. Hubby told me to me to sit down, relax, and then figured out what I want to do. I think I'm excited that I will have the time to do things. I realized that when I couldn't do things, I missed it so much, I now have more appreciation since I will soon have time.

So here I am, coming upon my fresh start..to start living...and appreciating time and using it wisely!!

New Adventures

I have written previously about becoming complacent in my life. My lack of socializing and gathering with the outside world, just left me bored and a boring person. I was content, lazy, low energy, whatever you want to call it.  I was just not taking time out to enjoy all parts of life. So I have been working to do a better job at living, beyond my jobs (yes you read that right, two of them). These jobs don't even include my work as a mother and wife!! LOL!!

I am only 36, really I am just getting started on this whole life thing!! I don't want to wish I had done things, but smile at all I have and will do.

In the past year, my comfort level has been challenged. First with my job that has required me to travel alone. Interacting with many leaders in the Navy. I have usually gone to visit others, usually friends and family; but my job had me going out to eat by myself, learn new areas, and find ways to entertain myself in new regions. Basically to become more self sufficient than Ibelieved myself to be.  I have met some great people along the way. I have also enjoyed the freedoms that came with being solo, even the mini trips I made of the visits, when possible, I have been able to make with my family.

CAPT Adellman (retired) of the RCC of the Mid-Atlantic Region for the Navy Reserves

My hubby and I took a mini vacation, something we haven't done in years, actually going somewhere he hasn't been and had been years for me, okay decades!! It was nice to get away and relax, just focusing on the two of us. All couples need downtime, and we have had our staycations, but it was nice to just get up and go, away from home.

So on a whim I traveled to the Dominican Republic. First time I have left the country since I graduated high school, and Baby Girls first time ever. I went to bed early and slept hard. I realized then that my body needed more downtime, but also more activity and work does not count. I watched my daughter swim with dolphins and we both got on a zip line. It was nice just to be completely present with her. 

Kissed by sea life!!

Today, I was supposed to try paddle boarding but we opted to go canoeing, so we could be together as a family. I hadn't been canoeing since childhood. I had fun hanging with wonderful people and my beautiful family. I didn't worry about anything except not flipping the boat. I sat back and listened to my friends laugh, my husband give orders, my daughter scream about not rocking the boat. 

My first reaction was to tell my husband to stop playing around, but then I thought, sometimes you have to rock the boat, and let him have fun torturing our daughter. It reminded that as hard as I work, its okay to sit back and let life sway, float, and have at it but no matter what is going on...I must enjoy it.

Even when my body is telling me to not go, rest, there are times I must say Shut Up Body, and do it. Usually, I find that I am fine. Plus, once my body says its done, I listen and shut things down.

My adventures are far from over but I had to share that I am living, not just alive. I am enjoying life and I am excited to see what other adventures are coming my way!!

Early Morning

I got to sleep in a little...okay that's a lie, if 15 minutes is extra time then I got it in!! Saw my daughter off and sat on the couch. Across from me Chewie sleeps in a blanket and upstairs rests my husband. All I hear is the occasional bird outside and my neighbors AC unit running. Now my own has just kicked on. 

Not really sure why I'm writing this, think its more free writing, just going with the flow. Enjoying the solitude, the slight quietness that exist right now. Just breathing and listening. Just thought if I were a serious coffee drinker this would be the prefect setting. 

I don't sit too often or just can't sit still, probably a little bit of both. But once in a while, I have moments where I just relax, my mind quiets, my body eases, and my soul just takes it all in. I have a moment to reflect on my life, the blessings both good and bad. I think about my family, friends, clients, and I smile. I take the time to think about where I am and where I am going. 

Writing this I think I have found myself at a crossroad and not sure what to do. Some would say I was crazy to say no, while others would say I get it. Hell, that is the conversation going on in my own head. I haven't found the answer, and even after seeking the advice of others, I am still confused. This silence gave me a brief break from the churning in my head, but the reality is, I have to make a decision. Do I stay, where it is familiar and easy, but distant; or do I go into the unknown, monetary, and still distant? It seems an easy answer looking at it but the effect it will have either way is both positive and negative.

This is life.  Earlier, I asked myself what are the things that I am willing to sell my soul for. Strange question, I know, but it does put things in perspective in what I want in my life. To be a good mother, wife, worker, friend, daughter, so on and so on; the things I consider if I had to sell my soul, if I view it as worth it then it stays in my life. If not then, I must let it go. Not sure if I explained that well, but I get it. 

Things have gone quiet again and all I hear is my breathing, iPad keys, my finger hitting the screen, a bird chirping. The sun is shining in and I know I must get my day started. It's so easy to want to hide from things, not to take a chance, not to make the hard decisions, but in the end it has to be made!!  I still think I will take a quick moment...

Heading back to the birds outside, the silence, need another break from thinking!!

Young Lady

This summer I have spent so much time with my daughter. We have talked about friendship, dating, sex, drug use, alcohol use, parenting, fashion, wow and so many things. I have to make sure she is ready for the trials and tribulations called high school and what will send me to jail for a few felonies if she does them (like what i will do to her and others, 😩😳😁)!! I love sharing my stories of awkwardness, sports, and discovering who I am. She shares with me about what she wants to be!

We have shopped and traveled, and I have just had such a wonderful summer with her.  We have done makeovers and my baby girl has given me plenty of fashion tips (clothes, makeup, shoes and so in). In the gym I was able to show that this lady here can handle herself!! She showed me she is faster than me, but always ran back to check on me!!

So today, just a few days before she enters a new chapter I am just staring at her. Watching her grow and change over the many years we have been together in life! I remember her milestones; her dancing in my mother's living room, snuggling under her father's chin as she slept, always looking for me to comfort her in her moments of fear. Gone are the pigtails, chubby cheeks and cartoon shirts. The toys and dolls have long been put away. Now there are shoes, clothes, accessories; these are her new toys. I am looking at a little lady. 

I walked behind her the other day, in the halls of her high school. I realized my baby girl is now my little lady. She was ahead of me, and it hit me baby girl will one day be gone.

Today I watched her getting her make up done for an Autism Awareness Fundraiser. I just saw this woman appear in front of me, she smiled and for a moment I saw my little girl peek through. 

I saw the toddler carefully taking steps, crawling on the floor, babbling, laughing, then themoments quickly change to her in the chair having make up applied.  She is becoming such an amazing, beautiful, caring, talented, smart young lady. I am so proud of who she is and who she is becoming.

I am sitting, as we prepare to get our hair done, just remembering the first time she sat in that chair 9 years ago. Remembering she was preparing for kindergarten. Now we are in the last leg of this youthful half of the journey, and it is a bittersweet one. She always says she is never leaving me, but I told her she will and has to, so that she can grow!

Baby girl remains my inspiration, my heart, my love! I see her twinkle in her bright eyes, and the child like smile may fade into a woman's smile, but she will always be my baby!

But with a smile on my face she will always be my Baby Girl!

My Voice, My word, My world...

Two weeks ago I lost my voice. I couldn't communicate, but had to do a lot of listening. Anyone that knows me, knows I am both a talker and listener. Heck, I get paid to do both and my full time job is all about giving presentations, so my voice is also my livelihood. I mean I could talk, but I had to strain to be understood, which just irritated my throat even more. So when I did talk, I had to make it count and get out what I needed to fast. Basically, say what I mean and mean what I say...quickly. I sounded like a frog.

I felt limited and frustrated, suddenly not being able to share, communicate, talk, i felt a little lost.  I hate canceling on my clients, I HATE not being heard, so not even saying what I feel or think or know, drove me crazy!! My voice is everything to me.

So no voice...no clients... I sat with Skye and listened to her discuss her friendships, preparing for high school, and her life. As much as I wanted to respond, I couldn't. You know what, I realized she just wanted to be heard and did not always want my opinion. It is good to just listen to her, for her voice to matter, for her to be heard. I was completely present for her.  Skye enjoyed our time together since I was home in the evening with her, not working, she had my full and undivided attention.

My husband enjoyed being able to hold up in his man cave without me all in his way.  I think he wasn't too worried once he knew my voice would be back. So he took in the silence.

I also found my clients to be completely sympathetic and worried. One even suggested I take the week off, which happened, not by choice of course.  When I got back to my clients last week they all checked in me, and reminded me how horrible I sounded on the phone.

So my lessons, listen more, even at work. Make sure when I do talk I really have something to say.  But mostly, its a reminder that I need to be fully present in what I do. By being present, this means more to my family and friends, and my clients than me speaking a million words or failing to truly hear what they have to say.  

In the end, we all just want to be heard, understood.

I Can't...I'm tired..busy...recuperating...

Like so many, I work hard and so when weekends come, I get lazy. I mean I will run errands, clean the house, maybe have a friend over but I usually don't leave the bubble of my city.  I repeat over and over, I am so tired, I have so much to do.   So for the most part, I just stay close to home.  

Then it hit me, I get lazy by weekends and choose not to do anything. I just don't want to exert the extra energy to leave my area, visit friends, go out, interact, talk.  I mean, how many times I cancelled plans because i was laid out on the couch...countless. Don't get me wrong I do a lot of traveling for work, that kept me busy and away, yet there were times I could have easily left my own couch to sit on some else's, watched a movie, do something beyond my little world. Yet, I didn't, just stayed in my bubble with my family and my dog.  Then I couldn't figure out why I felt bored and lonely, when my family had other plans. The funny thing is, most of my friends were doing the same thing...nothing.   I realize, I like many other mothers I know, have neglected my basic human need...socializing.  

I mean I love my husband and daughter and doggie.  I appreciate the things we do and the time we spend together, but I also know that I need my own time, fun time, social time.  Even though I am a therapist and know the importance of socializing, I was not practicing what I preach. I have been isolating from the world, allowing my lazy thoughts take control.

Even my husband said that I never want to do anything. I needed a life!!

So I went out a few weeks ago for a friend's graduation celebration.  I thought I might back out, the old voice in my head "you're tired, need to rest, have things to do..blah blah blah...." I knew I really wanted to get out for a night and step out my comfort zone.  My daughter picked the outfit out, because she dresses me often. Great to have a stylist in the house, okay I digress. So out the door I went...

Only knew two people there...party bus (never been on one)...going to clubs I was not familiar with...YUP stepping out my comfort zone!!

 I am usually social, in fact considered myself a social butterfly. I felt I could talk to anyone, anywhere. At least I could, but found myself quiet. Was I losing my sociability? I, who could interact with anyone, suddenly socially inept, shy, out of place?  I found this to be strange and have not had this happen before, what was this unfamiliar thing going on with me.  Eventually a nice couple interacted with me and this allowed me to relax and open up! The group was friendly and got me out of my shell. That night was very much needed, and reminded me, that life beyond my home is okay and it's nice to meet new people.  I also learned that I need to GET OUT SOMETIMES M!!

I danced (if that is what you want to call it, I don't have much rhythm), laughed and interacted with a new group of people. I realized that I need to get out, meet new people, try new things. I was just me, young and fun, and again social. I didn't think about my errands, my bills, home, work.  I didn't think about how tired I was (until I was sleepy, lol!), how hard I work that week, I just thought about fun.

    

I got in a rut in the last few years.  I got lazy in my own life! I know, I believe, I think like so many, that having my adult time keeps me sane! In that party I felt like me again, fun, social,light hearted and you know what... I am still pretty young. So why not get out of my comfort zone? I have no excuse...